Never far from His arms...

Boy, I knew I liked my home, but I almost cried when I finally mad it back yesterday. It has been quite an ordeal. To sleep in my own bed without being poked and woken every few hours, was like a dream. I just took a deep breath and said "Okay, now my new life begins... Day 1." I woke up this morning and was like... where do I start? I know everything hasn't changed, but it sure feels like it. You know when you are a healthy 31 year old, you just push your body. You don't think about it, if you are tired or what you eat or if you are doing too much... You just do what needs to be done. Now, I'm not so sure. The doctors said I could resume normal activity, but when I told him what my "normal" was like... he hesitated... "Well, maybe not quite that much, I wouldn't consider that normal." Where does that leave me? I have three kids to support, take care of and I work 60 hours a week. Kind of at a loss as to what I should do... God and I have been having many conversations about this! I completely trust His will, I'm just not sure what that is. I can't see past the dollar signs and bills right now. If I can't work as much as I want/need to, then what? That's what I keep asking God... and in His loving care for me, I hear Him reassuring me that He will provide as He always has, for my little family. So here I am again, completely dependent on God! Funny, how He never let's me stray that far from Him or His provision. I use to be all prideful because I couldn't provide everything for myself. You know today's culture says to be self-sufficient and do it for yourself -especially women! Women are to be strong, they are told they do not need a man/husband, that they can handle all that the world throws at them, as well as any men. HA! I beg to differ! What would I do without my Savior's covering over me.. protecting me from the world, from the attacks of Satan, from those who would persecute me for trusting in Him. I would surely be a wounded soldier, lying on the battle field alone, were it not for my Savior's protective arms all around me. So, even though in my humanness, I worry and wonder how? and why? and when?.... I know that my Lord has it all worked out - so I do worry less and wonder less and try to rest in His wisdom. I am not perfect, far, far, from the accolades that have been given to me by family and friends, "She's so strong, she has been through so much, she ...." Folks, all I have lived through is nothing compared to the sacrifice my Savior made for me on the cross. If my life brings a half rays of light to His glory - which it will not, because nothing I do could ever be close to His glory - than it would have been worth living a life 100 times harder than this. This life is so very brief... the trials and suffering are temporary... yet it is all for His glory!

We have a diagnosis!

PostPartum Cardiomyopathy

Cardiomyopathy is a disease of the heart muscle. There are three main types of cardiomyopathy — dilated, hypertrophic and restrictive — all of which affect your heart's muscle, often making it difficult to pump blood and deliver it to the rest of your body. There are many causes of cardiomyopathy, including coronary artery disease and valvular heart disease. Cardiomyopathy can be treated. The type of treatment you'll receive depends on which type of cardiomyopathy you have and how serious it is. Your treatment may include medications, surgically implanted devices or, in severe cases, a heart transplant.

I have Postpartum Cardiomyopthy, which is a damaged and diseased heart due to multiple pregnancies and the strain/stress that puts on your heart during those pregnancies. It is often not diagnosed for years following the last pregnancy. In my particular case, it has been going on long enough for blood clots to form and settle in the bottom left ventricle of my heart.

I will be checking out of Memorial Hospital tomorrow, November 18th and heading home to a few weeks of rest. The first order of business is to take medications that will dissolve the clots in my heart before they can move elsewhere and cause further damage. Thus I have begun Coumadin and Lovenox... and a host of other medications that I will gladly blog about later, once I am home and can figure out what they have me taking... haha! We are all familiar with Coumadin and Lovenox is an injection shot that I have learned to give to myself! Yeah! I can stick myself with a needle.... it is much harder than it looks! Try it sometime! Well, maybe not, but you get the point... not so much fun. The second order of business will be reevaluating my job/stress situation. I will be learning tomorrow from the doctors exactly what I can expect to resume and how to handle this new condition. I know that I am not an invalid... however, some changes will surely need to be made. I look forward to talking with the doctors and rehab nurses tomorrow and finding out all the particulars of my new lifestyle.

I would be in error if I did not say that this has been a very surreal experience. I do not think it has fully sunk in my brain what has truly happened to me over the last few days - other than the fact I have actually been able to sleep and get some rest! lol! So, I look forward to some quiet time of reflecting and talking to God. He is so sovereign and has met every need I have... and will continue to do so... until my last breath. I thank God for this opportunity - even in illness - to bring His faith, that He has given me, into light - so that other's may see His work and be glorified. That the doctor's may be baffled at His handiwork... that the nurses may see His people rally about His child in prayer... that my personal family and friend who are un-churched may see God's people totally supporting and helping a sister in Christ with her every need. May God be glorified in all that I have said and will do.

To God be the Glory!

Cardiac Catheterization

Continued from previous post...I have no strong history of diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, etc in my family. Today, November 17th, they are doing a heart catherization. http://www.webmd.com/heart-disease/cardiac-catheterization You can read further about this procedure at the previous link.

Cardiac catheterization (heart cath) is the insertion of a catheter into a chamber or vessel of the heart. This is done for both investigational and interventional purposes. Coronary catheterization is a subset of this technique, involving the catheterization of the coronary arteries.
A small puncture is made in a vessel in the groin, the inner bend of the elbow, or neck area (the femoral vessels or the carotid/jugular vessels), then a guidewire is inserted into the incision and threaded through the vessel into the area of the heart that requires treatment, visualized by fluoroscopy or echocardiogram, and a catheter is then threaded over the guidewire. If X-ray fluoroscopy is used, a radiocontrast agent will be administered to the patient during the procedure. When the necessary procedures are complete, the catheter is removed. Firm pressure is applied to the site to prevent bleeding. This may be done by hand or with a mechanical device. Other closure techniques include an internal suture. If the femoral artery was used, the patient will probably be asked to lie flat for several hours to prevent bleeding or the development of a hematoma. Cardiac interventions such as the insertion of a stent prolong both the procedure itself as well as the post-catheterization time spent in allowing the wound to clot.
A cardiac catheterization is a general term for a group of procedures that are performed using this method, such as coronary angiography, as well as left ventrical angiography. Once the catheter is in place, it can be used to perform a number of procedures including angioplasty, angiography, and balloon septostomy.

After 3pm today, the doctor's should have a much clearer picture of my heart including what type of damage I have, any blockages in my arteries or other complications throughout and around my heart. So, just be in prayer and I look forward to blogging again on all the new information that they find today during the heart catheterization. Stay tuned to the next episode of My Crazy Life!!!

What is a Left Bundle Branch Block?

Well, I figured since I had lots of time on my hands now... I would spend some time blogging on what exciting things have happened to me in the past few days. For the past few weeks I have been having some weird quivering and flipping feelings in my chest around my heart. Just like strong palpitations and fluttering... I thought maybe this was just stress (not that I really have any of that in my nice calm, quiet life! HAHA) But, you know, maybe anxiety or something. And as a typical busy mother, I ignored it and went about my days normally. On Tuesday, November 11 - I was having a lot of discomfort in my chest. My heart was going crazy in my chest and I was having lots of pressure, it was hard to take a deep breath. So my friend, Christina, suggested (insisted) that I go see Dr. Adjei so I would stop complaining. LOL I am so loved! So off to the doctor I went. Dr Adjei ran an ECG and it showed a Left Bundle Branch Block (LBBB). This was not alarming, but was concerning and needed to be checked out by a cardiologist. Here is a short excerpt from The American Heart Association about Bundle Branch Block. What is the normal condition? The heart has its own pacemaker, called the SA node. This is a specialized group of cells in the heart's right upper chamber (right atrium). Somewhere between 60 and 100 times a minute, this pacemaker emits an electrical impulse. This impulse then travels throughout the heart on a specified route. As the impulse passes through the heart, the heart muscle contracts (beats). The impulse first travels through the upper chambers (the atria). Before it can go to the lower chambers (the ventricles), it must pass through one small group of cells called the AV node. The AV node is between the atria and the ventricles. After the impulse goes through this AV node, it goes along a track called the "bundle of His." From there, this bundle divides into a right bundle and a left bundle. These two bundles go to the right and left lower chambers of the heart. All of this is much like following the roads on a freeway map.
What is bundle branch block? Normally, the electrical impulse travels down both the right and left branches at the same speed. Thus, both ventricles contract at the same time. But occasionally there's a block in one of the branches. This doesn't mean that one of the ventricles won't contract. It just means that impulses must travel to the affected side by a detour that slows them down. That means one ventricle contracts a fraction of a second slower than the other. Usually if there's nothing else wrong, a person with bundle branch block shows no symptoms. But a bundle branch block shows up as an abnormality when the electrical impulses through the heart are recorded with an electrocardiogram (ECG).

So Dr. Adjei referred me to Dr. Huggins, a Cardiologist at Memorial Medical University Hospital, in Savannah, Georgia. I saw Dr. Huggins on Friday, November 14th and he ran another ECG and an Echo cardiogram. The Echo cardiogram shows that the front left wall of my heart was damaged due to a possible heart attack. The left ventricle of my heart was not emptying because of low ejection pressure and thus blood clots have formed in the lower left ventricle. Dr. Huggins, immediately admitted me to MMUH and started me on blood thinners, blood pressure medication, cholesterol medicine and some other things I can't remember. I have been observed and been placed on 24/7 heart monitors until they can decide a course of action. The doctors are quite baffled - calling me an enigma!

SOCCER SEASON

SOCCER

Soccer has begun! Need I say more? If you are new to my world, let me clue you in... all three of my children usually play soccer. And as my life would have it - all three of my children play on different teams! All have practice at different times! And all have games at different locations in different counties, sometimes - usually all on the same day!

So when I look a little haggled on Sunday morning, even a little tanner than the week before; you will know that I have been faithfully cheering on my little squad of soccer players and yelling my brains out from the side lines.

(yes, I am that mom! Just love me anyway)

Happy Fall Soccer Season!

Her Story - Conclusion

You know, when you begin to ask God for a spouse, you actually are relinquishing control. You are asking God to intervene and choose a mate for you. Not that much different than the betrothal of old… I was allowing my Lord to betroth me to His choice for my life. What a step of faith I was taking, yet what relief of that burden being lifted. I did not need to worry, to rush, to choose – God has His best in mind for me. All I had to do was wait. So waited I did. One year, two years, four years, five years. “ I am not getting any younger, Lord I would say; and I was so very weary of walking that road alone. Yet God still brought me strength every day… through His word – the bible, through brothers and sisters in Christ who encouraged me, and through the Holy Spirit. Even through each relationship I encountered, I learned new things about myself and how I needed to continue to most of all depend on the Lord. One day, while talking with a friend, he shared about when he met his wife. He explained that she was so clearly in love with the Lord, that she even told him, that he would need to come around to the idea of her being totally in love with the Lord, first. He was like – whoa! Who is this woman? Haha. I thought, Oh! To be that woman! And I guess I am, in a way. I am totally in love with my Savior and that is a thirst that has never gone away. There is always more to learn, always more to desire, always more wisdom to glean. Through His word, I have learned that our emotional needs, spiritual needs, physical needs are only truly met 100% through Him. Put that to the test in any marriage… we go into a relationship or marriage thinking that this person is going to meet our needs (well, some of us do) or we depend on that person for support or strength that really we should be looking to our Heavenly Father to provide. Women, especially, are bad with this! If we (women) would stop looking to our husbands to fulfill the needs that clearly God has not designed them to fulfill, we would find our relationships and marriages, much healthier. Our sense of value and worth are not wrapped up in what any human being thinks of us. It is solely based on our understanding of our relationship to God. When we go into a marriage knowing this, we enter in on equal footing…both stepping on a foundation of understanding before God – that only He can truly meet our needs. Then and only then will our focus be right – a right focus on the Lord, a right focus on our spouse, a right focus on our marriage.

So, as I continue down this road of singleness, I hope to have grown in wisdom and knowledge… to perhaps be an encouragement to other women who have walked in my shoes, or to warn some women who think the grass is greener on the other side, in my shoes. But I do not walk this road alone – oh no! I walk this road hand in hand with my Savior and all the while it is a sweeter walk than the day before…

Her Story - Part 1

I have yet to find a girl, who from a young age, has not dreamed of one day meeting her prince charming... her knight in shining armor... her rescuer from all things evil... her protector... her defender... the love of her life. Yet though we strive for such perfection in a sinful fallen world, rarely if ever few of us will find such a person. A person who complete us, a person who understands us, a person who is willing to look beyond our inadequacies with unconditional love. Nevertheless, we will try to find that person. If perchance, we are one of the fortunate one's, we might actually find more than one person with whom to share our life...either because of divorce or death. In either case, it is a welcome change of pace our lives have taken, to happen upon another soul mate. And I use that word sparingly, because I realize that the mere mention of the word will send many running and other's swooning.


Call it what you like... love is something we all wish to have, myself included. I was that little girl, sitting on her daddy's lap watching TV and wondering... how one day God would provide this same sense of security and provision through a husband. My father is a wise man and he would tell me the things I should look for in a future spouse... honesty, spirituality, integrity, kindness, love, etc. My dad modeled a great picture of Christ in how he took care of us, loved and provided for us. This set the stage for my thinking in adulthood. I had a good foundation from which to build.

As it would happen though, despite my good intentions and sure foundation, foolishness ruled my young heart. I made unwise choices of friends, companions and lovers. I even married one of those lovers, much to the dismay of my friends and family. I had embarked on a journey that would be pa see at best. All be it, I was immature, selfish, prideful, arrogant and unsubmissive... that marriage was doomed for failure. An eight year struggle over finances, control, parenting, pornography and infidelity led to an untimely divorce.

In walks the Lord... I knew the Lord was with me everyday and I did pray and grow in my relationship to Him. But I had never before been forced to depend on Him solely for my every need. I began to life out "Father to the Fatherless" verses. Upon my divorce, I found myself homeless, carless, moneyless, jobless and alone with a 6 month old, 1 1/2 year old and a 5 year old. God immediately began providing with a home, a car, jobs and much needed physical help through my personal and church family.

Over the next 5 years of singleness, my precious Lord guided me through difficult conversations with the kids, through financial decisions, through divorce issues with my ex-husband and through spiritual issues. It wasn't until my children were 3,4 and 8 that they began to notice our family was different. They realized that they didn't have a dad in their home and that I did not have a husband. They began to understand God's structure of the home and that we were missing pieces to the puzzle. So they asked me "Mom, why don't you just get another husband? We need a dad!" Hmmm...we laugh at such frankness and refreshing honesty from our children. They make it sound like I was just placing my order at the drive through and pick it up. So to them, what was I waiting for?

Well, God had me use this opportunity to teach them about decision making, prayer and petitioning to God and of course the all importance of patience! We had many discussions of God's sovereignty and how he provides in time of need. As a family we could literally write a book about God's provision for us. Yet we still seemed lacking in the area of an earthly father/husband. So we commenced to praying. We prayed at every meal, at every good night, the children were so bold as to ask for prayer about this issues in Sunday School and church. Now, talk about being humbled. Yet my children's frank and honest approach to praying for this request was refreshing. They knew God would send us a father/husband... so why not ask?

I, on the other hand, did plead with God for a mate, but with some trepidation. I had great fear in my heart of repeating my past mistakes, fear of being accepted for what I was, fear of not measuring up, fears that were just irrational. But God, in His love for me, gave me great faith and helped me to know how to pray. He gave me strength to live everyday... all the while I was praying diligently for a spouse. I vowed to not rush the Lord, but to wait on His timing and wisdom... two things I had thrown out the window the last time I was married. (To be continued....)